with baited breath

We're waiting impatiently with baited breath. We're waiting impatiently for the President to make a decision about Afghanistan. So now we wait, we wait to see if 10th Mountain will be thrown into crazy emergency mode to prepare for a quick deployment or if we'll have some time to prepare. Will we get the short end of the stick or will somebody else? Will this nice reprieve of the last month quickly vanish when the new orders come? For a few weeks I got to enjoy the "idea" that my husband wasn't deploying soon. I got to cherish the idea that my husband would get to enjoy the upcoming holidays with me and our kids. That could all change, any day now. I hate that. I hate having my life decided by someone far away from me in some office in a funny looking building. This brigade goes now, they go later. A simple announcement on the news, "an influx of XXX number of soldiers in the next 3 months." Do you know what that correlates too? It correlates to my husband working 20 hour days and not getting to enjoy Christmas with his kids or even take a long weekend. That's what it means. Those numbers aren't just numbers of soldiers, but their families as well.

I'll let you know when the orders come down.

Strong Women

Last night I attended my coffee group. My husband works at our Brigade Headquarters, so the coffee group is a bunch of Colonels, Majors, Captains, First Sergeants and Sgt. Majors wives. They have all been in the Army FOREVER, and they have all been there done that. I always have such fun when I am with these women, but more importantly I leave feeling uplifted and strengthened. They are amazing!! You know the saying "Behind every successful man is an amazing woman"? Well that is absolutely the case with this group of women. I look up to them so much. I am glad that I have this chance to meet them and learn from them. I hope that when I am in their position I will be as amazing as they are - if we make it that far.

Deployment Benefits

Okay, so there are a few, small, tiny, itty bitty benefits to your husband being deployed. I have recently discovered two such benefits.

1. Less laundry!! My hubbie has 3 loads a week! PT's, ACU's, normal clothes, and pajamas, every single day!! That is a lot of laundry to do! So when he's deployed my laundry is cut down by 1/3. So now while I'm doing his laundry I won't complain because I know it means he is home with me. But when he is gone again, when its laundry day I will be grateful for a little less laundry.

2. I get to watch t.v. in bed. He claims he can't fall asleep with the t.v. on. But, somehow, when he's deployed he can fall asleep to all sorts of noises: tanks, fly overs, sirens, and artillery. But when he's home he needs it completely dark and silent. Well, I like falling asleep to the t.v., so I have been doing without. So when he leaves again, and I am lonely and sad, I will at least have my t.v. all to myself.

Battle Buddie

Battle Buddies is a relatively new phrase for me. I first heard it during my husbands last deployment to Iraq. The Brigade Commander used it in reference to his Sgt. Major. I also heard the incoming Brigade Commanders wife use it in reference to the incoming Sgt. Majors wife. That they were going to be "battle buddies". I am a firm believer in the dramatic difference that a TRUE battle buddie can make.

Right now, my husband is a Company Commander. His battle buddie is his First Sergeant. They absolutely "click". They have the same "command" style and get along fantastically! They not only get along at work but they are becoming very good friends as well. It makes a huge difference for my husband that he has a TRUE battle buddie. It makes his professional and daily life so much easier when he knows he has someone he can rely on. I am beyond grateful that he has this man as his buddie.

During the last deployment I had a TRUE battle buddie. Her hubbie was the Rear D Commander, but even though he wasn't deployed, he was still never home. I knew that I could rely on her for anything and that when I was down she would pick me up. She was such a blessing to me and I am so grateful that I still have her in my life.

Surviving deployments and the stress of the Army is very tough. If we can all find our battle buddie, it will make all the difference.

Journal Entry 9/11/01

I wrote this in my son Tyson's journal 3 days after 9/11. I knew that this event would change things forever.


Historical Event:
Three days ago the United States of America was attacked by terrorists. On September 11,2001 at 8:46 am EST a high jacked airplane was flown into one of the World Trade Center Towers in New York City. About 15 minutes later another high jacked plane flew into the other World Trade Tower. 15 minutes later another high jacked plane flew into the Pentagon in Virginia. About an hour later both the towers collapsed killing hundreds of rescue workers and thousands of people left trapped in the building. Another high jacked plane crashed in Pennsylvania on its way to D.C. It is believed that the passengers on the plane jumped the hijackers and stopped them from crashing into the White House or the Capitol. It is believed that almost 6,000 people have died or are missing.

Today,September 14, 2001 is a National Day of Prayer and Mourning. Our Prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley had a memorial service in the Tabernacle. The President of the United States, George Walker Bush, held a prayer service in D.C. The country in united in their grief and resolve to punish those who did this. It is believed that Osama Bin Ladin, a terrorist leader from Afghanistan is behind this attack.

I am horrified, saddened, and still in disbelief. I have watched the t.v. continuously for 3 days. My fear now is that war will come and that Ron will have to go. I can't imagine what war will do to our family and the world. I pray daily that God will bless us with peace and wisdom in this crisis.

I have two very profound memories from that day. I just sat in front of the t.v. all day and cried

and cried. When news reporters started speculating about what this all meant and would we go to war, they brought up the idea of initiating the draft again. I called for Ron, who was working in the office, and told him what the reporters said. I asked him if he would go and fight, to which he responded that he wouldn't wait for a draft that he would sign up voluntarily. This was before we had any intention of joining the military. I should have seen then how strongly patriotic my husband was. The idea of my husband serving in the military and fighting a war was terrifying to me, it still is. Little did I know that he would serve in a war zone twice (to date).

My other memory is of that evening. We had our two boys by then, they were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. After they fell asleep that night I went into their room and just watched them sleep. Again, I cried and cried. I was scared for them. I didn't know how this would effect them. I didn't want them to grow up in a world full of war and terror. I didn't want their father taken from them. I didn't want them to end up fighting in a war. I looked at their precious peaceful faces and I was afraid of the kind of world that I would have to raise them in.

Now we live in a world that dramatically changed after that day. It dramatically effected my family, and it continues to effect us every day. Ron leaves again this winter to continue the Fight on Terror. And yes, it is a Fight on Terror, and I am proud of my husband for helping us win that fight. And I know we will win. And I know my boys are proud of their dad too. To quote a line from a movie "There is nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer." Our Armed Forces are full of volunteers who know the risk and serve willingly. I am proud and greatfull for all of them.

Where did you come from?

Loneliness, where did you come from? I was doing great!! I had a fun weekend away with my sister to recharge and recover from JRTC. I came home to a wonderful husband and happy children who were actually glad to have me home. Then comes the next day. School started - yeah!!, and I only have one little one at home now. I was feeling happy and relaxed. Then the phone call came around 5:30 pm.

"I'll be home late tonight, things are crazy here. I'll probably be home late all week. Sorry."

I immediately take a nose dive into loneliness and sadness. How is that possible? I have immediate flashbacks of deployment and JRTC and future deployments. Lonely evenings with just me and the kids. Dinners all alone. No one to talk to or discuss my day with. Just me. Always just me. It use to be me and him versus the kids, working as a team. Now it is me versus them with occasional assistance from him. When did that change?

And then I remember, this is life now, this is how it will always be. There is never a guarantee that he will be home for dinner or to help put the kids to bed. Having him home is a luxury and a blessing. I need to find a way to cherish the days that he is home and learn to find a way to LIVE not just endure, the days that he is gone.

My first ramblings....

I am beginning week 3 of being a JRTC widow. Another week of loneliness, frustration, anger, and disappointment. Another week of being a single parent to children that desperately miss and need their father. Another week of having no one to talk to or comfort me when I've had a bad day. Another week of sleeping alone in my bed, no snores keeping me awake. Another week of not knowing when he'll call or I'll get to hear his voice. Another week of being all alone.